persuasivus

Some hilarious writing prompts

persuasivus

Alright so a few days ago I decided to look for some hilarious text posts on tumblr and I laughed so much I just had to write some prompts! (is possible to be customized)
(Send me requests with 1/1+ prompt/s. I write about a lot of fandoms and also a lot of different things : one shots/scenarios/imagines/headcanons/chats/conversations/aesthetics/alomst anything)

UPDATE 11.02.2018: I TAKE REQUESTS ONLY FROM THOSE PROMPTS THAT ARE IN BOLDED TEXT (like the text from this update.)

1. Do I look like I give a fuck?
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2. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again for taking advantage of my compassionate and forgiving nature! HOw dare you.
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3. Me? Overreacting? Probably.
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4. I used to be passive aggressive, but now I’m aggressively passive. Don’t mess with me kiddo. I’ll be right here. I’ll fucking forgive you.
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5. A: Whar are you doing?
B: Avoiding.
A: Avoiding what?
B: Everything.
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6. This was impulsive. Probably shouldn’t have done it. WHO CARES?
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7. You’re really cute and it’s ruining my life because I think about kissing you all the time.
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8. A: It’s okay, I’m not mad.
A (5 mins later): Actually? You can go to Hell.
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9. I hate people who get personally offended when I’m in a bad mood, likeI’m not mad at you Susan (name), I’m mad at the world!
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10. A to A: Bitch, if you actually applied yourself in like…anything, you’d be dangerous ,damn my lazy ass.
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11. I don’t know what I’m feeling, but there’s a lot of it.
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12. Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.
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13. That sounds like responsibility and I want no part in it.
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14. Why am I better than everyone? Jesus, life’s hard.
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15. A: How do you make someone holy?
B: You beat the hell out of them.
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16. A: I’m amazed of how insignificant we actually are.
B: Not me, I’m important.
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17. If anyone can do it, then someone who isn’t me can do it.
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18. In the old days of one week ago things were different. Now look at us - slightly older than we were back then, other clothes and such.
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19. I’m not going to claim that I know everything, I’m simply going to act like it.
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20. You have to “see it to believe it”, so as long as I’m not looking I don’t have to believe in anything.
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21. I’m visualising a powerful mystical energy at the moment.
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22. If I don’t learn anything from my mistakes then I don’t have to consider them mistakes in the first place.
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23. Why the hell is there always this one weak bitch in the group that isn’t down with murder? No offence though.
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24. A: If you ever feel stupid, or weak, or powerless, just remember that I, am not.
B: THanks.
A: You’re welcome.
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25. I wanna do dirty stuff with you like farming.
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26. A: What are you reading?
B: 10 tips for beutiful hair the Government doesn’t want you to know.
A: wHAT the fuck?
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27. A: I’m tired of these constant near-death experiences.
B: (opinional) don’t be a whiny bitch, bitch.
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28. Man, how many eye contact until date?
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29. God has a favourite comedy tv series and it’s called “my life”.
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30. Sometimes all you can say is “yikes” and then just on the fuck on.
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31. Why is everyone having their mid-life crisis at like 19?
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32. It’s a beutiful day to give me money, honey.
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33. Women aren’t complicated, you’re just dumb.
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34. Well this social situation isn’t going the way I acted it out in the shower.
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35. No offence, but my favourite hobby is staying hydrated and beautiful.
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36. I’m actually pretty cool if you give me like 5 tries to get it right.
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37. Today I’m feeling cloudy with a chance of sarcastic.
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38. Be prapared to add a cute emoji next to my name in your contacts list because you’re gonna love me.
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39. A: Babe, I’m not grabbing your boob, I’m grabbing your heart.
B: That’s my right boob though.
A: Babe.
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40. Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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41. What makes me feel like a failure the most is when I can’t remember the answer to a Harry Potter trivia question.
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42. I hate it when I’m really nice…And then people are just not that nice? Like what the fuck.
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43.Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
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44.Is your name candle? Because I wanna blow you.
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45. So, was that just awkward eye contact, or were we checking eachother out?-

46.You know, having feelings is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch.
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47.My turn ons? Well I don’t know, maybe some fucking common sense.
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48.I may seem like an angry person on the surface, but deep inside I’m actually angrier.
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49.I ship me and that boat.
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50.Listen. I did mean to make you upset and I do think your opinions are shit. But you’re still my friend so it’s okay.
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51.Because my two moods are like glitter and death.
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52.My kink is closing the fucking bathroom door, because no one wants to see you fucking pee!
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53.If I go to Hell I’m gonna constantly torture everyone by continuously asking if it’s hot in here or is it just me.
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54.Oh my God are you seeing this shit?
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55.Graduated top of my class from Hogwarts school of bitchcraft and misery.
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56.A (shows up at your door 10 years after we had an argument): aND ANOTHER THING
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57.I’ll betray all of you in the Hunger Games.
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58.Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old friend, the dawing realization that I fucked up real bad.
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59.I’m a screamer. Not sexually, just life in general.
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60.I’m not racist, I hate everyone equally.
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61.Tell me I’m cute or something, so I can roll my eyes at you, but then blush when I think about it later.
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62.You know when your hair is greasy and it makes you feel so bad about yourself? And your entire life. Everything is awful because my hair is greasy.
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63.True love is having a crush even when he got a haircut you know.
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64.Emotions? You know, I just push my tear back into my eye and tell it “Not now, you little bastard!”.
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65.Are we gonna hold hands, or what?
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66.My soul leaving my body, but with one of those slide whistle sound effects.
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67.A: I love you.
B: What if I got a bowl cut?
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68.I should really stop planning my future around being rich or famous…but I can’t.
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69.I’m aggressively thinking about having sex with you and trying to keep a straight face at the same time. Do you know hOW hard that is?
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70.My opinion is no.
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71.Did you fall from heaven, because so did Satan and he’s hot as Hell.
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72.What to hear a fairytale? Once upon a time you weren’t such a little bitch.
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73.Which is messier - my life or my hair?
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74.How can you face the problem when the problem is your face?
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75.Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to know wHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
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76.Read a girl who dates books.
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77.My hands are cold let me put them in your pants.
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78.I’m sorry, you must be at least level 4 friend to unlock my tragic backstory.
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79.My therapist once told me that I have this obsession with seeking revenge…we’ll see about that.
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80.You have lips, I have lips…interesting.
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81.Do my dark undereye circles and unwashed hair turn you on?

(This update applies ONLY to MY blog (aka Persuasivus) !) 💕

/PART TWO/ PART THREE /

More you might like

xbarrjallenx

Prompt List: 13 Reasons Why

xbarrjallenx

I am back and I have a new prompt list for 13 Reasons Why. I used to have one, but I was so busy and I didn’t have the chance to write every request. Now, my list has limited numbers and I am almost finished at school, so I can write as many imagines as I want.

Pairing: Alex Standall x Reader, Clay Jensen x Reader, Courtney Crimsen x Reader, Hannah Baker x Reader, Jeff Atkins x Reader, Jessica Davis x Reader, Justin Foley x Reader, Ryan Shaver x Reader, Scott Reed x Reader, Skye Miller x Reader, Tony Padilla x Reader, Tyler Down x Reader, Zach Dempsey x Reader

Rules: Send me one or two numbers that you like from the list, specify the character, the gender and, if you have any idea, you can write the plot too.

Warning: I don’t write any smut! Also, profanity and swearing are used in the imagines.

Take note: I am using the numbers just once, so I am crossing out the phrases that I have used. If I ever get two requests with the same number, I will ask you to change your number or, simply, delete it. Remember, first come: first serve!

Also, I don’t guarantee to post your request after a day or two, because I am busy at school too, so I would appreciate if you don’t go anonymous when you are sending your request. Thank you so much!

Enjoy and read at your own risk.

- G. x

1. “Stop eating your crush with your eyes.”

2. “We’ll be late for our classes.”

3. “Just use protection whenever you would do it.”

4. “Are you cutting classes?”

5. “Can I go home now?”

6. “You owe me lunch today!”

7. “What’s the real score between you two?”

8. “If you were a star, you would be Sirius A.”

9. “I am starting to ship you with your best friend.”

10. “What a nerd!”

11. “I will protect you just like how Clark Kent protected Lois Lane.”

12. “What does that kiss mean?”

13. “Maybe you can wake up from reality!”

14. “What the fuck was that for?”

15. “Pinky promise?”

16. “How can you go from One Call Away to We Don’t Talk Anymore that quick?”

17. “Your social life is better than mine!”

18. “Why did you stop talking?”

19. “Congrats, asshole.”

20. “Okay, I deserved that.”

21. “Am I your boyfriend or your taxi service?”

22. “I don’t even know why I want to marry you.”

23. “You’re my boyfriend. It’s your job.”

24. “Forget it. You fucking suck.”

25. “This skirt is supposed to be short.”

26. “How long have you been standing there?”

27. “You’re Satan.”

28. “The number you have dialled is not available.”

29. “He kissed you? How was it?”

30. “I saw her kissing him once, why don’t you ask her about that?”

31. “I’m not drunk, you fool!”

32. “You are my first choice and forever will.”

33. “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

34. “Satan was God’s best friend.”

35. “Imperfection is beauty.”

36. “It only destroys me in the end.”

37. “You’re disgusting!”

38. “I’m sorry, I fucked everything up.”

39. “It never lasts.”

40. “I told her that I found a new girlfriend.”

sleepyreddie

Prompt List

sleepyreddie

Hey you guys!

I finally created a prompt list!

Im going to attach it to a post with all of my lists, (prompt list, preference list, character list, etc…) that you guys can use to request!

So, here is my first prompt list for requests!

send in a number (or numbers) + characters and plot!

(all fics (or requests) submitted today will be posted today, because it will help me get motivated to restart my deleted requests!)

Keep reading

andshedoesitagain

My favourite lyric starters

Here’s a bunch of starters based in my favourite lyrics; if you want to request one just ask for the number and a character from IT!

1. Hello love, my invisible friend.

2. I wanna love you, but I don’t know how.

3. All I want is nothing more, to hear you knocking at my door.

4. We sure are cute for two ugly people.

5. Don’t touch me, boy I want you, not allowed to, you have someone that loves you.

6. And when morning comes before we’re done with volumes left to choose, let’s say I love you, just I love you and I love you too.

7. We might kiss when we are alone, if nobody’s watching I might take you home.

8. Tore my shirt to stop you bleeding.

9. You’re the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids, laughing ‘til our ribs get tough, will that ever be enough?

9. And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely.

10. I wanna be alone, alone with you does that make sense?

11. Kiss me, like you wanna be loved.

12. Wake up with me, open up your eyes, breathe easy.

13. When we were younger we thought everyone was on our side, then we grew a little and romanticised the time I saw, flowers in your hair.

14. I want you, and nothing comes close to the way that I need you.

15. And as the sun comes out to play, so soon I wish the day away, still left unsaid the things to say.

16. Smile the worst is yet to come.

17. I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you, but it’s obvious I really wanted to.

18. We might be dead by tommorow

19. You’ll feel better when you wake up, taking off your makeup.

20. Love will not disgrace you, enslave or dismay you it will set you free.

ships4you

- prompt list -

ships4you

Prompt List #1 ♛ Imagines

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”
“Please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry”
“Stay with me”
“Walk out that door and we’re through”
“Well. Yell, scream, say something. Anything”
“I can’t breathe”
“I hate how much I love you”
“Why are you so jealous?”
“Where do you think you’re going”
“Just leave me alone”
“I need some time”
“Despite what you think, I am completely capable of taking care of myself”
“You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did!”
“Just please be my best friend right now, not the guy I just confessed my love to.”
“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not.”
“Just talk to me”
“Bite me”
“If you insist”
“I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me”
“I think you’re just afraid to be happy”
“Why are you so nice to me”
“Choose me”
“We’ll get through this, I promise”
“You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad”
“You’re mine. I don’t share”
“Just shut up and kiss me.”
“If we get caught I’m blaming you”
“Make me”
“Do you want to kiss as bad as I do right now”
“I think I forgot how to breath”
“Stop biting that fucking lip!”
“You’re blushing”
“I missed something didn’t I?”
“You come to my room and wake me up at 4am, to cuddle?”
“Well this is awkward”
“Is that my shirt?”
“You look like you need a hug”
“I can’t believe you don’t like Disney movies”
“Please come home, I miss you”
“You’re so fucking adorable”
“How can you still look so attractive while crying.”
“I’m pregnant”
“You’re lucky you’re cute”
“Cuddle me.”
“Sometimes I really don’t like you”
“What if I told you I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.”
“You’re seriously like a man-child.”
“You’re getting crumbs all over my bed”
“Im too sober for this”
“Oh god, I need a drink”

likeablelahey

prompts for writing

likeablelahey

feel free to use any of these!

send in requests!

1. “Your hair is so soft..”

2. “It’s too cold! Come back!”

3. “No, I’m not letting you go. It’s too early to get out of bed.”

4. “C’mere, you can sit in my lap until I’m done working.”

5. “I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

6. “Shh, you’re safe. I won’t let you go.”

7. “What? does that feel good?”

8. “Just pretend to be my date.”

9. “He/She did it.” “No he/she did.”

10. “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

11. “It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

12. “No no–it’s alright, come here.”

13. “I’m not going to leave you. You’re never going to have to suffer by yourself again, I promise.”

14. “Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.”

15. “If I could, I would kiss away all of your scars.”

16. “I think I might be falling in love with you.”

17. “Your lips are so soft. I could kiss them all day.”

18. “It’s not bad to cry. In fact, I think it makes a person stronger.”

19. “Mmm.. you’re warm.”

20. “You’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this..”

21. “I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with..”

22. “No, you can’t get up! You’re my prisoner for today.”

23. “Shh, it was just a bad dream. Just a dream, okay? None of it was really.”

24. “You know I’m/we’re always here for you, right?”

25. “Please talk to me about it.”

26. “You have something in you hair.. um–do you want me to get it out?”

27. “I remember practicing how to ask you out in the mirror..”

28. “I would’ve had breakfast ready, but you were sleeping on my arm and I didn’t want to wake you.”

29. “I know I’ve kissed you like, ten times, but just like another ten, please.”

30. “Are you wearing my shirt?“

31. “Wanna, like–I mean, if you’re not busy.. We could get lunch? Or even just coffee if you don’t have a lot of time?”

32. “So I was driving past a pet store and couldn’t help but wonder how cute an animal would be like in our home..”

33. “Let’s just stay in bed.”

34. “We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.”

35. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

36. “Shooting star. Make a wish.“

37. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

38. “Wow, you’re hot.“

39. “I want to marry you.”

40. “I want to take a shower so you should probably join me. It’ll save water.”

41. “You’re just not the same anymore..”

42. “It’s midnight! Where the hell were you?”

43. “What the hell is your problem?!”

44. “Why do you run away from your problems all the time?”

45. “You can’t keep it all inside, you know? Bottling it up won’t do any good.”

46. “Hey, I know you’re hurting.. but, you’re not alone, okay?”

47. “I hate you! I’m sorry it took me so damn long to realize that.”

48. “You lost your chance.”

49. “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.”

50. “You can’t just lose your temper like this every time you get a bit upset!”

51. “Calm down! You’re scaring me!”

52. “Don’t look at me like that.”

53. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

54. “I’m done trying to help you!”

55. “Sorry doesn’t fix everything.”

56. “You didn’t call. You didn’t text. Nothing.”

57. “It isn’t up for debate.”

58. “I don’t know what’s wrong, okay? I’m just… really tired.”

59. “I’m fine. Stop asking.”

60. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong, and don’t try lying to me.”

61. “I hope someday you get a taste of your own medicine.”

62. “Pack your shit and go. Get the fuck out of my sight!”

63. “Is this how little you think of me?”

64. “I can’t do this anymore.. not with you.”

65. “Are you happy now? Huh? DOES THIS MAKE YOU HAPPY?!”

66. “You said you’d always be there for me… so how did this happened? Why weren’t you there?”

67. “Did it ever occur to you that you’re hurting me too?”

68. “I don’t need help! I just want the pain to stop!”

69. “We can be friends instead.”

70. “I tried to move on, but nobody is you.”

71. “Do I look like I’ve moved on?”

72. “I don’t remember a fight or a reason, so what happened? Why did we break up?”

73. “Can I at least buy you a coffee? For old times sake.”

74. “I can’t take the loneliness anymore.”

75. “What are you talking about? You’re married!”

76. “I feels like everyone just forgot I exist.”

77. “Maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

78. “I gave you your chance, and you just used it to stab me in the back.”

79. “I’ve been alone for so long..”

80. “But you promised..”

81. “Isn’t this, like, illegal?” “Probably.”

82. “You’re really drunk right now. I don’t think you’re gonna remember any of this.”“No, I’m not drunk at all. You’re just blurry.”

83. “I have a feeling we should kiss.”“Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

84. “Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don’t take it personally. It’s just easier.”

85. "You’re jealous, aren’t you?” “I’m not jealous.”

86. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

87. “I can’t believe you dragged me into this.”

88. “Bite me.” “Eat me.” “Kiss my ass.”

89. “You think I’m dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?”

90. “You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that’s going to stop us, but at least I’ll have all the facts.”

91. “You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m so embarrassed!”

92. “I vote today be a pajama day.”

93. “You aren’t supposed to laugh! I’m embarrassed!”

94. “It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion.”

95. “There’s been some real friction in our friend group lately. I suggest an orgy to save our friendship.”

96. “I saw that. You just checked me out.”

97. “Are you stupid or stupid?”

98. “How about you make me?”

99. “Do it. I dare you.”

100. “Rise and shine, motherfucker.”

101. “Well fuck me!"

102. "Are you… Drunk?"

103. "Walk it off."

104. "Did you just go throw up?"

105. "Could you turn it down? A bit? Maybe?"

106. "Don’t drink that! I saw that guy slip something in there!"

107. "Get out of here! This is my hiding spot!"

108. "Quick, pretend your talking to me."

109. "Could you hold my hand?"

110. "You’re hiding under that blanket because you’re blushing?"

111. "Can I kiss you?"

112. "Quit looking at me with that stupid expression. You’re pissing me off."

113. “ …Why? Why are you being… so nice to me? I can’t understand. I can’t understand! I just can’t understand… “

114. "Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be using cheesy pick up lines?"

115. "You’re the perfect combination of sexy and cute."

116. "You know I’ll kill him if he hurts you."

117. "Can we please pretend I never said that?"

118. "Forget the douche. He’s a dick. He’s a dickdouche."

119. "You guys are yelling and I want ice cream!"

120. "How ‘bout you stick it up your ass instead?"

121. ”“Punched” is one word, “Fisted” is another.“

122. "Please! Leave me alone!"

123. "It’s too late for you to be out by yourself."

124. "You seem like a friendly face, mind if I sit with you?"

125. "You made me this way."

126. "I think about you all the time, it’s freaking annoying."

127. "Bill Nye couldn’t even help you."

128. "You left your shirt at my house. It’s mine now."

129. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

130. "I saw a shooting star and I thought of you.”

carelesscatastrophe

IMAGINE PROMPTS

carelesscatastrophe

1: “Please don’t leave me. I’m a work in progress but I’m trying.”

2: “Do you know who I am?” “You’re a monster.”

3: “You know, you’re really cute when you sleep.”

4: “If I could go back and do it all over, I would. Anything to get you back.”

5: “You’re gorgeous. This doesn’t change my opinion of you.”

6: “If you ever touch her again, I swear, you will wish all I did was hit you.”

7: “Stop tickling me before I rip your fingers off!”

8: “Rings on or off, baby?”

9: “I need you in every shape of the word. I need you emotionally, physically and at this exact moment, sexually too.”

10: “Stay away from me!”

11: “You are not wearing that out. I will rip it off of you.”

12: “How about I take you under the table right now, with my fingers?” “My parents are coming!” “Guess you’ll have to be quiet then..”

13: “New plan: we keep her alive and sell her organs. You can get a lot of money for kidneys.” “No! You weren’t supposed to kidnap her in the first place! Take her back, now.”

14: “So you’re saying you don’t want to have sex with me?”

15: “You disobeyed me.” “I know but-“ “No buts- you deliberately disobeyed me.”

16: “You could have gotten yourself killed!” “But.. I didn’t?”

17: “He’s the opposite of friendly. He’s unfriendly. As in, don’t be friends with him.”

18: “What did I say?” “You told me to behave.” “What did you do?” “The exact opposite.”

19: “Honestly, I only ask for your help because it’s so cute when you try.”

20: “You know, you’re adorable when you’re mad.” “I can literally kill you.”

21: “Hey, I know being evil is kind of your thing and all, but do you think you could like, not, for just a few days. I’m exhausted. I havent slept in like three days because i’ve been kept up with your schemes. I have three assignments due and you’re not helping. Do you think you could give me a break, just this once?”

22: “That was a great ‘being a hero’ speech, why are you telling me, the bad guy, it?”

23: “Why do you have a basketball? What is a basketball going to do?!” “It’ll hit you!”

24: “You need to sleep.” “Fuck no!” “You can sleep willingly or I can choke you until you pass out. You’ll enjoy either.”

25: “This is the person that took everything from me and I can’t let them take you too.”

a-cure-for-writers-block

#100 Dialogue Prompts to Break a Reader’s Heart…

a-cure-for-writers-block

Keep reading

rmeisel

Dialogue Prompts

rmeisel

This is a collection of dialogue prompts I gathered to get me back into writing that I want to share with you. Send a # and a pairing and I’ll write a short excerpt.

“I can’t sit here and watch this. The secondhand embarrassment is very real.”
“Are you even listening?” “Yes, it just takes me a while to process so much stupid all at once.”
“You know, that’s not what an apology sounds like.”
“I find that answer vague and unconvincing.”
“I will kill you, burn you and dance on your ashes.” “You’ve probably been told this before, but wow, you are intense.”
“Please stop talking, I’m trying to get us out alive.”
“You know, you can get a lot for a kidney on the black market.”
“You still have all your fingers, but that can easily be fixed.”
“I’m not saying you can’t shoot him. I’m just saying you can’t shoot him here.”
“What do you mean alcohol isn’t an appropriate coping mechanism’? It’s working.”
“Look, being an adult is overrated. You have to pay taxes and people frown at you for watching cartoons in your PJs all Saturday and eating ice cream for breakfast.”
“Should we try to poison him again?” “Stop saying things like that so loud!”
“They offered me what I couldn’t refuse: money.”
“I don’t like salad. Or eye contact.”
“Murder wasn’t on today’s agenda.“ “It’s not on anyone’s.“ “No, it is on mine. Just not until next Tuesday.“
“All that blood looks good on you. It brings out your eyes.“
“Keep your morals far away from me.“
“Are you always that stupid or is today a special occasion?“
“Oh. You’re still alive.“ “Don’t sound so disappointed. I might think you don’t like me.“
“I feel like I’m being stabbed.“ “How do you even know what it feels like to be stabbed?“

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Prompts List

fictionpants

List of prompts that can be requested (w/ or w/o a requested person/character) - [most of these are prompts I found on pinterest in the writing prompts tag - will be adding prompts continuously] - Also, when requesting please take this into consideration: https://fictionpants.tumblr.com/post/167397538527/just-a-quick-note-about-requests

1. “I apologise in advance for the inconvenience my murder is going to have on your life.”

2. “I hate you.”
“Why? I’m lovely.”

3. “Murder wasn’t on today’s agenda.”
“It’s not on anyone’s.”
“No, it’s on mine, just not until next Thursday.”

4. “Hold on, you died.”
“Yeah, well it didn’t stick.”

5. “This is my life now. I have climbed this hill and now I will die upon it.”
“Shut up. We’ve only been hiking for twenty minutes.”

6. “She’s crying, what do I do?”
“Go comfort her.”
“How do I do that?”
“Start with hugs.”
“With what?”

7. “What’s our exit strategy?”
“Our what?”
“Oh my god, we’re all going to die.”

8. “I’m going to need chicken blood, salt, five candles, and a bottle of vodka.” “Vodka? For the spell?”
“No, that’s just to make me feel better about ripping a hole in the universe.”

9. “Are you clinically insane or incredibly annoying?”
“I don’t know, probably both.”

10. “I saved your lives.”
“How? By stealing our freedom? Our minds? Our identity?”

11. “It takes a very special kind of idiot to pull off what you just did.”

12. “I’m getting really tired of pretending I’m not evil.”

13. “Did you just agree with me?”
“Oh I wish I could take-”
“Nope! You said it! No take-backs!”

14. “It’s a long story.”
“You conned me into thinking you were dead for eleven months. I have time.”

15. “I regret a lot of things. Having this conversation tops the list.”

16. “I had a thought.”
“Oh no.”
“I swear it’s a good one this time!’

17. “FBI, open the door!”
“No. It’s cooler when you break in.”

18. “Do you think they remember you?”
“I sure hope not after what I did the last time I was here.”
“What did you do?”
“You’ll find out.”

19. “You look…”
“Beautiful, I know. Can we move on?”

20. “You scared me!”
“Well, I am naturally terrifying.”

21. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

22. “I’d take a bullet for you, you know that.”
“You’re immortal, and I’m going to kill you if you keep saying that.”

23. “You really have no clue who I am?”
“You’d think the confused looks and blank stare would have answered that for you.”

24. “I am way too sober for this.”

25. “You don’t strike me as a professional criminal.”
“That’s what makes me so good at it.”

26. “I don’t think of you as a protector. More like a distraction.”

27. “We have five people trying to kill us right now, what are we supposed to do?”
“Actually, it’s more like eight.”
“Oh, sorry I wasn’t specific enough!”

28. “If you could even comprehend where I’ve come from, you would be terrified of me.”

29. “I saved your life!”
“You pushed me off a building.”

30. “You know we’re not all born with the ability to throw fireballs, right?”

31. “How do we keep getting into these situations?”
“Eleven years of friendship and I still don’t know.”

32. “Did you hear that scream?”
“Yes, I’m the one who screamed.”

33. “Are you SURE I can’t punch him in the face?”
“Yes.”
“What if I just break his nose a little?”

34. “You are remarkably well behaved tonight. What did you do?”

35. “You’re-you’re crushing my spleen.”
“You don’t even know where your spleen is.”

36. “I’m no detective, of course, but I think this dead body might not be alive anymore.”

37. “Right now, I don’t know if I want to kiss you or shove you off a bridge.”
“Can I pick?”

38. “The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.”
“I almost died!”
“Ah yes, that was my fondest memory.”

39. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!”
“And I’m trying to subtly avoid it!”

40. “Hey, I didn’t kill anyone today!”
“What do you want? A gold star?”

41. “I hate you.”
“Why? I’m lovely.”

42. “On a scale from one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-”
“At least a twenty.”

43. “Literally everything about this is illegal.”

44. “Seven billion people in the world, and you’re overreacting because we killed one man.”
“But-”
“Seven. Billion. People. Now quit the complaining and drink your smoothie.”

45. “It’s not my birthday.”
“It’s definitely your birthday.”
“Give me a calendar. It’s not and I will prove it to – oh. Never mind. Happy birthday to me.”

46. “On a scale from one to ten, how bad do you want to kill me right now?”
“I’m hovering somewhere in the high thirties.”

47. “I can fix that.”
“I’m calling a professional.”
“I’m a professional.”
“A more professional, professional.”

48. “What’s the word for that infestation of tiny creatures over there?”
“Those are children. That’s a school.”

49. “I have a concern.”
“Just one?”
“No, but I didn’t think you’d let me speak my piece if I told you how many I actually have.”

50. “Why are you glaring at me?”
“I’m hoping you’ll spontaneously combust.”

51. “If we die, I’m going to spend the rest of our afterlife reminding you that this was all your fault.”
“That’s cool, I wouldn’t mind having company while being a ghost.”

52. “What are you so afraid of?”
“You.”

53. “What is that THING in your backpack?”
“It’s my new pet dragon.”
“Dragons aren’t real!”
“Then why is there one in my backpack?”

54. “I hate the sight of blood.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t kill for a living.”

55. “All that blood looks good on you. It really brings out your eyes.”

56. “Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?”
“Oh god, we’re going to die, aren’t we?”
“It’s a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself.”
“You absolutely do not.”

57. “I don’t give a damn.”
“You give so many damns they’re visible from SPACE.”

58. “It’ll be easy. You just have to seduce them.”
“You’re kidding, right? I’m about as seductive as a cabbage.”

59. “You’re not as evil as people think you are.”
“No. I’m much worse.”

60. “That’s a terrifyingly accurate drawing of us.”
“It’s almost like I’m good at what I do.”

61. “You have no power over me.”
“You sure about that?”

62. “This isn’t good.”
“How can you tell?”
“See how they’re slowly surrounding us? And they all have guns and knives and I think one guy is carrying a machete?”

63. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Actually he’s right in front of you.”

64. “I’m not a thief. I’m just really good at acquiring things that aren’t mine.”

65. “I’m not completely human anymore. Remember that next time you want to punch me in the face.”

66. “Is that blood?”
“No?”
“That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with another question.”

67. “I never stood a chance, did I?”
“That’s the sad part – you did once.”

68. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

69. “I’m not going to leave you.”

70. “Everything is okay.”

71. “I’m going to protect you.”

72. “I believe in you.”

73. “Do you feel guilty? Like, at all?”
“I don’t have time to feel guilty. And neither do you.”

74. “Stop that!”
“Stop what?”
“Doing that thing with your face when you’re happy. It’s making me nauseous.”

75. “What are you doing?”
“…Eating.”
“We’re being held hostage and you decide to raid the kitchen?”
“They didn’t say the fridge was off limits.”

76. “Is that a dead body?”
“Maybe?”
“It is. I can see it right in front of me.”
“I promise I’ll clean it up before dinner.”

77. “If we’re going to get out of here, we’re going to have to work together. After that, we can go back to killing each other.”
“Oh, fine.”

78. “That’s not funny.”
“I thought it was.”
“You don’t count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.”

79. “Do we need wine?”
“No, I need wine, you need to put your pants back on.”
“But life is so freeing without them.”
“Pants. On. Now.”

80. “Can you please go be stupid somewhere that’s away from me?”

81. “I feel like I’m being stabbed.”
“How do you even know what it feels like to be stabbed?”

82. “Will you be quiet?”
“I didn’t say anything!”
“Well stop thinking so loud.”

83. “Did you get my note?”
“Of course I got it. You taped it to my forehead while I was sleeping.”

84. “You’re a psychopath.”
“I prefer creative.”

85. “Why do people keep trying to put this blanket on me?”
“Because you’re in shock.”
“That doesn’t mean I need a blanket. It means I need booze.”

86. “Oh no.”
“What is it? What happened? Who died?”
“I think I just felt an emotion.”
“You have GOT to be kidding me.”

87. “When all this is over, I want my sanity back.”

88. “That’s definitely not true.”
“Of course it is. I read it on Wikipedia.”

89. “You forgot me.”
“It was an accident.”

90. “Why do you keep risking your life? To prove a point?”
“Yes.”

91. “I would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulties of your life.”
“You are the WORST at this comfort thing.”

92. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”
“What?”
“Saying things that make me want to kiss you.”

93. “Look, if you want to conjure some demon spawn from the great beyond, that’s all fine and dandy. Just wait for me to leave before you start.”

94. “Just calm down!”
“My leg just dematerialised and you want me to calm down!?”

95. “You know what they say, panicking burns a shit ton of calories.”
“Who even says that?”
“Me. Just now.”

96. “Don’t mind me, I’ll just be in the corner, having another existential crisis.”

97. “Oh my god, I had the exact same dream!”
“Really?”
“Are you crazy? Of course I didn’t.”

98. “I need to go de-stress.”
“Where are you going?”
“To demolish the living room.”

99. “I think I’m having a feeling. How do I make it stop?”

100. “I’m bitter and complicated. It’s one of my charms.”
“I don’t think you know what that word means. Or how to count.”

101. “I don’t know what the protocol is for revealing your secret identity so, hi? Surprise?”

102. You always think you know what you’d do when faced with the end of the world. Me? I went home and took a nap.

103. “Damn it, why aren’t you obeying the laws of physics?”

104. “I’d hug you right now, but you’re covered in evidence. And I also really don’t want to.”
“Evidence is a really nice euphemism for blood, gore and guts.”
“You’re totally missing the point. Do you know how pissed I am at you right now?”

105. “This way is more efficient.”
“This way is going to get us killed.”

106. “You’re not my favourite person today.”
“I’m not your favourite person on any day.”

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

UPDATE 11.02.2018: I TAKE REQUESTS ONLY FROM THOSE PROMPTS THAT ARE IN BOLDED TEXT (like the text from this update.)

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